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It’s happening again. 

Similarly to my older sites-Similarly to everything else I seem to get into with good intentions-They start out great; And then something happens and the project/interest/intent/purpose/relationship/whatever comes to a catastrophic halt.

I can’t let that happen to this site. It needs follow through. It cannot end-Even if I fail.

I think I owe myself an explanation and it’s simple. I’m rather depressed and ashamed of who I’ve become over last couple months. Aside from my job at home of taking care of my mother, I am once again a Green Hell employee. If anyone has been following this blog, you’ll know through my post history that I hate it.  

I know that I’m capable of so much more. I know that I am capable of so much more. And yet most of the time, yes, most of the time, I just can’t gather the confidence or the will to even try. Often times in the day I literally say to myself that I should just die.

The pathetic thing is that my problems are surely more petty than most people in the world. I shouldn’t be complaining, right- But I am not complaining.I accept it. Everything is my own fault. I should just die, but at the moment I just can’t. There has to be something else.

I–I have to create, or I may as well be dead.

My shield and my weapons need be re-balanced and polished. I must continue this quest-Even if I don’t know what I am looking for or where I am going. 

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new year

It has come to the end of one calender year and beginning of another. The ouroboros of life continues.

Life, as it always has been, is certainly uncertain as it is uncertainly certain on how it progresses and endures. We may not be around forever, but while we’re here we should make record of who we are and who we were in so without question those who may inquire will understand as completely and accurately as possible, that which we divulge and discern about ourselves is true.

In these ever so trying times, particularly in times of reflection as the years end, and birth anew, it should be reminded how each of us, in the human family-How vast and expansive it has become and will continue to flourish-That we are all interconnected. Each one of us are mere drops in a pool, causing ripples which can potentially build to form waves of calm streams to catastrophic tsunamis constantly moving and causing change. No matter what change or obstacle lay before us, we have the ability to transform ourselves, to adapt and progress.

I am reminded of a quote some of you may recognize:

Life isn’t just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies…what we’ve seen, heard, felt…anger, joy and sorrow…these are the things I will pass on. That’s what I live for. We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light.We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever, but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can. Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing.

-Solid Snake 

For myself, this has indeed been yet another hard year. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I have done much in the way of progression. I am essentially where I was a year ago-Broke, miserable, and alone. 

In light of that, through my experiences this last year, I have learned quite a bit about who I am, my wants and needs, and my potential. With that knowledge, I vow to better myself and my situation.

This blog, which is understandably of little interest to most who’ve visited it, has been my personal haven. I hope to accumulate more readers, of course, but at the same time it has been useful in gathering my thoughts and reflections-Aside from practicing my skill in writing, this is in effect forcing me to be placed under scrutiny of myself as well as the public.

Creating this blog is probably the best thing I’ve done in years. To that, I can celebrate!

To my friends, to my family, to the strangers who might happen upon reading this:

Happy New Year! Make it a good one!

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Two connectors, one latch, and four screws-Pull out, push in, and re-apply.

My newegg purchased LG blu-ray drive ($35 on black friday) had arrived for my desktop! Works like a charm!

Finally got to view the special features disc from Prometheus. So much information!  

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I’m tired. I’m so tired that I want to cry-But I have to sleep, and rest my mind and my body-To prepare for another long night at my green hell.

This existence needs to end. 

Apologies for not writing sooner. Had some things to take care of aside from work. 

More later.

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hobbies

Time for some on-the-fly self analysis.

I used to be a pretty hardcore gamer. I used to be a car enthusiast. I used to be a computer geek. I used to be a comic book nerd. I used to be an electronic musician. I used to be a singer. I used to draw with pencil very well. I used to have all these interests, hobbies, practices, and more. What the fek happened?

I can easily defer to my lack of funding. After all, most of those hobbies require a substantial amount of money to keep up to date. I’m at the point where I’ve sold almost all the items/tools required to keep up-It is unfortunate, but was necessary to survive.

Seems my interests and hobbies have changed or adapted to my budget. I suppose it’s that way for everyone.

It’s more than funding tho. Or is it? I know I tend to have an addictive personality. If I find interest in something I pursue it with relentless vigor. Have to consciously hold myself back from certain things that I know can easily waste time and money.

Let’s take an MMO I had recently all but quit. It is called Vindictus. It is an online role-playing game, but at its core is an arcade action game, a beat-em-up. It is often anachronistic in look, but is medieval-Norse and fantasy based. I was instantly addicted to the gameplay, in fact I played it for 3 years. I can’t fathom how many hours I’ve spent on it. I still do play it once a week or so, just to feed my need for the gameplay-It is after all, free-to-play. Or is it?

Yes, you can indeed play Vindictus without spending real-life money. However that may inhibit the speed at which you can level-up and the power you can acquire. After all, everyone wants to be powerful, have instant power to make things easier, and of course to show off to other players. This is where it starts to get scary-

First of all, in order to be able to have access to newer items, you need to level your character by gaining experience points. There are real-money items that can be bought to double the amount of experience points you can get. These experience boosters have a limited time of use, and need to be purchased continually if you want to keep that rate of gain up.

The weapons, armor, and accessories you gain can be upgraded (which will your affect speed, strength, etc.). In order to upgrade you need to pay an in-game NPC (non-player-character) with in-game currency. The item will be successfully upgraded to certain point-From there it becomes a gamble for the item to succeed to it’s next tier or level. Keyword: Gamble.

Here’s the scary part-You are able to spend real life money on items that will not instantly upgrade your weapon/armor/accessory, but instead to protect them from resetting to their original statistics or being completely deleted. Again – Gambling. And it doesn’t stop there-

The game is visually stunning, or at least it was when it first started out. By current standards, Vindictus is sort of medium quality, but that is irrelevant. The point is you are able to customize the look of your character(s). There are various costumes to try out as you level up. You can pay real-life money to combined the stats of one item to the look of another.

You can also customize the colors of these costumes. One way to do that is to use the in-game random auto-dye booth with in-game-currency. For most the default auto-dye colors aren’t usually desired. You then have the optional to use real life money to purchase an item where you can gamble on an assortment of colors and hope the color you specifically seek is chosen.

I can site further uses of gambling real money in Vindictus, and I can tell you that I used them all. I don’t know how much money I’ve spent on the game in total, but over 3 years, it was in the hundreds.

The final straw that lead me to leave the game is when I lost my main weapon in an attempt to enhance. That weapon had at least $70 dollars invested into it. Once I lost that sword, my power, my speed, was immediately impaired, and I lost the ability to properly contribute in effectively damaging bosses. As a result I would be immediately cast out of parties based solely on my visible statistics, even tho I am a more than capable player skill-wise.

Add that to the fact that I make barely enough money to survive from my current job- I just no longer have nay desire to continue seriously in Vindictus, Free-to-play or otherwise. It is just not worth it anymore. There are also other interesting MMOs to look into now.

I don’t really like myself, nor the situation I am in. I often question myself as to whether it’s worth going on living or not. These events, these activities …these hobbies have at the very least distracted me from ending it all.

So what do I do now that I no longer have enough money or time to pursue these old interests?

Thankfully, reading is generally cheap. Thankfully, I spent enough money to procure the name for this blog, and I’m able to use it to vent my frustrations, to chronicle events, and explore myself. Thankfully, my aquarium and fish keeping isn’t overly expensive and time consuming. Thankfully, my continuing choice of Earl Grey tea is cheap and refillable at Starbucks, and that they have free net.

Thankfully, I have the few friends and relatives that I can continually confide in.