It has been too long since my last entry. Apologies to those who have kept up with my blog, and to myself for ignoring it.
After almost two years, I have returned to the west coast of the U.S. – Currently living in Salinas, California. My time on the east coast, in Virginia, has passed. The reason for my stay there was to care for my physically ailing mother. Thankfully she has recovered, and is now in the care of my sister and her family – And is also happily helping to raise her first newborn grandson, my nephew.
She is in good hands, ready to face another chapter in her life – As it is for me to resume writing my own.
Before I proceed in logging my new adventures, I wish to relay some thoughts on a subject that has been plaguing my mind as of late – Romance, or the lack of.
I have said here in the past that I am not a very attractive fellow. I am in fact …large, or at least I was much larger. I’ve recently lost quite a bit of weight, but as always there is still more to be done.
Even at my most grotesque, I was able to garner interest from the opposite sex. As to how, one wonders. Perhaps I do possess some bit of charm to be convincing enough. However strong these relationships started out; They always ended horribly.
[side note: Yes. I am straight. That may come as a surprise to some people who assume that I am gay simply because of my age, and being unmarried with children. Furthermore, I have no problems with the LGTC. Do what you want – Just don’t hurt anyone.]
There were times where I was too aggressive or rather far too overconfident, too serious for the potential female partner. More often, I had felt that she was too good for me, and deserved much better than what little I had to offer.
Again, at the beginning, these relationships were almost too good to be true; Yet not long after, they had ended due to my lack of confidence to believe such good things, at least romantically, could happen to someone of my station and looks. I told myself, justified, that I did not want to hold them back from their own potential happiness – A future with someone that could provide more for them, over me with just my …potential.
There are two sides to a monogamous relationship. I now realize this – That I was a lazy, selfish, and most of all, a frightened fool, that did not like or love himself, and therefore could not let anyone in and love me.
My failure, aside from my own perceived lack of validation, is that I did not let my possible lifemate(s) make their own choice in wanting to be with me. I made the choice for them.
I am sure it was just as heartbreaking for some of them as it was for me. Or perhaps it wasn’t, as I do know some are now happily married. In any case, I really wish I could apologize to them for being such a fool. I can now only imagine how good our lives could have been together, how different my own life could be had I known to love myself, and let myself be loved.
If I’m lucky, the last third of my life is ahead of me, but the chances to be in a successful romantic relationship are fading quickly. I am now just old, left-over baggage, easily ignored and passed over to take on a new journey – Almost definitely not worth carrying.
If there are any lessons that can be learned from my oft pathetic ramblings here, it is to not waste your youth, learn to love & respect yourself, and please, please let yourself be loved.