In about an hour, thereabouts the clock will toll on August thirty-first, or on another year in my life. My thirty-sixth year. Yes, it is my birthday. Just as everyone else, I tend to reminisce on life. Usually I’m fairly negative and cold on that matter. I’m sure those who have kept up with this blog know this.
When I mention my birthday, people would ask “Oh! Happy Birthday! Are you doing anything special?”
I would then tell these people that I don’t really celebrate my birthday, and I haven’t really cared to since I was in grade-school where I threw a party and no one came. I tell them that that is when I figured out that I am not popular. I am a loner. I prefer a small circle of good friends as opposed to a large circle of acquaintances. That still holds true, mostly.
Another truth is that I am terribly shy which I have also covered at length on this blog.
I knew that I was going to write this blog tonight. I just didn’t know how to approach it to where it wouldn’t be so monotonous in featuring my usual (un)happy self. So I went out for a bit to clear my head-To my usual 7-Eleven run-To have a cigarette.
The thoughts in my mind when taking in my first cancer stick were mainly about how bad things have gotten. Comparing where I was physically and mentally just one year prior. I hated myself then, and I find I still do. However there are some positive changes; Or rather swaps in my predicament.
Foremost, I am finally feeling …at home, or at least a little more comfortable. Staying with my father in South San Francisco never felt like home. I was welcomed, and I was cared for, sure, but I always had a nagging feeling that I was intruding on my father and his wife. And I just felt I should try and be out of their way as much as possible, which is why I was never home. I would say nine out of ten of these blogs were written not in my room there, but at any other place that had an open internet connection. That room was basically just for sleeping.
The trade off with that situation of course is that I now:
1) Have to watch over my mother, which I’ve noted limits me. 2) Pay rent.
I feel the sad part of leaving my father’s home was that I was just starting to make friends there. Sure I can keep up to date with them online with social media or a phone call, but you know it is just not the same.
After I finished that cigarette, I got back into the SUV that I’m borrowing from my sister and brother-in-law, turned the ignition on, laid back, inhaled and sighed . That’s when this came on the cd player:
I then quickly got back out of the SUV and lit the final cigarette in the pack, but kept the song playing.
Now I have heard Anything Goes insurmountable times. This is an excellent recording sung by the great Ella Fitzgerald. I put it on the track list because I do enjoy the tune. This time however, I really felt the lyrics resonate with me. To me it illustrates how times have indeed changed, things aren’t what they were, but we adapt and go on living. That song was written by Cole Porter in the 1930s during the great depression, and I think it’s wonderful that people could keep themselves entertained like that in such horrible times. That there shows how society can buckle down and fend for themselves, survive and eventually thrive from utter chaos.
It was the perfect song to capture the moment and the feeling that I wanted to
convey exude in this blog post.
The song also put a smile on my face. It had gotten me to think for once on what I have as opposed to what I don’t have or had and lost. And although I have little, it is a lot more than some other people out there. I should be thankful for that.
So here’s to another year. Cheers.
I wish I could afford a bottle of Chivas Regal to make that toast, but I guess ginger ale from Green Hell will suffice for now.
Oh! Before I forget …my birthday present to myself:
I bought a new mic stand from all the quarters I’ve been saving over the last two-to-three months. The microphone is my beloved Shure 55SH Mk.II. That along with my tube pa are the only pieces of music equipment that I didn’t sell off before moving here.
In any case, take this image as a sign of things to come.