This is my first full post via phone. My usual setup of tablet and bluetooth keyboard is all packed up and on the way to Virginia with my sister-As are the majority of my other possessions.

The SwiftKey swipe-keyboard app is actually doing a fine job of predicting what I’m writing here. It’s well deserving of its high ranking of purchases on the Google Play store.

It’s a good feeling to be done with what I feel was the hardest part of this move (so far). It’s also humbling to know what I truly value (in posessions) can fit in such little space.

An ex co-worker, a good friend, Stephanie (whom I joyfully refer to as Steph-infection, which she doesn’t like)  has been vocal in her disapproval of my moving-Not the relocation directly, but at the circumstances by which I’m moving, and also of the sacrifices that I’m making because of it. They are quite valid concerns.

I told her it was because of family responsibility of course, but also its a real fresh start for me. Not that it won’t be difficult; It most certainly will be. Bright side: It is also a chance to witness and experience something and somewhere new.

Earlier that day (yesterday) as I was looking through my final box of stuff to sort through, I ran into a small pamphlet. It was a series of  pictures of an old friend of mine, Tom T. , who was the subject of an early blog post, The Mighty Testicles. (Testicles is pronounced similarly to Hercules btw). Tom died (suicide) at a rather young age.

Seeing that pamphlet that was made for his funeral, seeing his face reminded me about what we, his friends, had said of him after his passing. He was barely starting his adult life in his early twenties, and he has never been outside of California.

That thought was powerful and put into perspective that what I am doing, while by no means uncommon, is something that I imagine many people may never have a chance to do. Not that they wouldn’t want to, but real life responsibilities, not to mention cost is likely what prevents such adventure. For someone in my position, with my interests, my ambitions, this move is something to take advantage of. Again, it will be difficult. My primary motive for this move is to care for my ailing mother-But it will be far more interesting than being stuck here with virtually no chance to succeed and to escape the feeling of confinement.

In so many words, I explained all this to Stephanie. While she will miss me (And I, her), I believe she understands. … Truth is, I’m still trying to convince myself as well.

In other news, the other day I made the trek to the local CarMax in Fairfield. From that experience I think I may write my first Yelp review. It was all positive, and the appraisal of my van far exceeded my expectations. Now all that’s left to do is go back to drop it off and get my check. And that will be done tomorrow morning, as my older half brother is thankfully going to follow me and give me ride back home.

It’s an odd feeling to know that in less than twenty-four hours I will be without a vehicle for the first time in fifteen years.

Note to self: I miss my keyboard already. 😉



Sitting at Wendy’s, just had lunch/breakfast. Earlier, I brought a box of clothing to the post office to get an estimate on shipping to Virginia-Roughly $70. I’m going to have at least three of these large boxes to send. It’s not going to be cheap.

And so it begins …the countdown to my migration across the country to the east cost.

It is Monday, the 24th. I need to ship everything that I’m taking with me by Friday. The task is much larger than I anticipated, or is it? A majority of my valued belongings are now with my friend, Jeff. The clothing that I am bringing take up the two initial boxes that I’m shipping tomorrow. I now need to condense about eight, thirty gallon totes into one or two of those moving boxes. Obviously more things will need to be sacrificed.

Among the many totes of old electronics and stationary (that will be disposed off) exists a collection of old photographs (of family and friends) and even a collection of old love letters-Very private and intimate business. I don’t wish to destroy them, but of course I can’t just give them away either. These are the problems that will arise over the next few days.

At this point I realize that these blogs are lately becoming rather monotonous-Focusing on my getting rid of my crap. Apologies, but that is my current existence.

In any case, I have ten days left here in California, likely never to return aside from in a visiting capacity. I’m finding that the closer the date of my flight (April 3rd) comes, the faster time becomes. I’m nervous and frightened, and I haven’t even gotten on the plane yet.

It is also a humbling feeling that all that I have, all that I am, is being reduced to an amount that can be stored into containers that will fit into a small hallway closet.


fin & begin

Just returned from a small trip to my best friend, Jeff’s place in Salinas-With the goal of the trip to drop off much of the media that I can’t quite part with, but will be far too costly to initially ship. I plan on sending him money ever so often so that he may send it to me via post a bundle at a time. The content was primarily large books, so the large plastic tub weighed perhaps close to a hundred pounds.

On the way there, I rather did the unthinkable-I sold a majority of my music  recording gear-Two synth keyboards, a nice Mackie mixer, recording monitors, some mic stands, and effects. Most of those items I’m sure I can find again at a reasonable price. What hurt me was letting go of my first keyboard: Yamaha SY-22, aka the poor-man’s Wavestation. It was the primary keyboard for my favorite band in highschool, Switchblade Symphony, and it had a very defining sound-A sound that got me interested in producing music of my own. In any case it’s now gone. All I have left for recording music is my laptop which has Reason installed, and my favorite microphone, the Shure Super 55 and a pre-amp for it. Additionally, I had a very nice Boss VE-20 vocal effects box that I chanced on eBay, and it sold last night-I would have kept it if it didn’t sell.

Dan, the owner of The Guitar Showcase in San Jose gave me a reasonable offer (rather what I expected) for what I brought, and of course I took it-I had no choice really. I needed the money, and I needed less stuff to move. It worked out. At least that’s what I keep saying to myself.

After Dan wrote me that check, handed it to me, and I walked out with gratitudes, farewells, and a smile, I stood outside by my van and just stared at this piece of paper with numbers and scribbles on it. I questioned myself, This is who I was? This is what it has come down to? Why am I doing this? What have I done? These questions plagued me during my drive down to Salinas where I was about to secure my books and media. I actually find more value in books about ancient Rome over tools that  I can create music with? Who am I kidding, if I was going to do serious music, I should have already, why hold on to hopes and dreams when you’re not really going to act on it? I am a fool, but I need the money to survive for and with mom. Damn it! I am a fool.

It was a long drive to Salinas.

[It should be noted that I think Dan gave me a few extra bucks cause I told him the reasons as to why I’m getting rid of all my gear. I find him an honorable and caring man. And Guitar Showcase has always been a fine store]

Jeff is a good hard working and classy man, whom I am proud to call my best friend. I often question myself as to why he puts up with someone like me, but that’s the way he is, patient and a very (for)giving. His girlfriend, Ezzie, whom I also adore, is the same. They are decent people by my estimation. And it was good of them to host some of my old stuff for me.

I stayed there overnight. Looked over my old fishtank, and the community and plants are doing well. I rented “The World’s End” from Red Box, and we three viewed and enjoyed it. Jeff was thrilled to see Simon Pegg in an old Sister’s of Mercy t-shirt in the film, and the overall theme and message of friendship, loyalty among friends, meshed within a very zany comedic adventure kind of hit home. Simon Pegg isn’t so much older than Jeff or I when were in the goth scene, so we could relate quite well with his reflections on the good times as a younger men.
That night, I actually slept a full 8 hours, which I hadn’t done in months. Jeff’s couch which I sleft on was that comfortable, as was I who was really taking a break from my immediate reality.

One of Jeff’s co-workers, Lenard visited that morning along with his best friend, Allen-A similar relationship to Jeff and myself-They were close friends since highschool, and have since become bandmates as well. We had breakfast and lounged watching some videos on Youtube. What they showed is supposed to be really funny-Some user named Vitalysd or whatnot, has millions upon millions of views of him basically wasting food, while damaging expensive electronics, and doing it in a hyper sexualized, and derogitory way. I suppose it’s supposed to be sort of shock slapstick, and I really tried, but I just didn’t find it funny or thought provoking at all. I’m not disrespecting anyone’s taste, but that’s just me. Give me Carlin, Prior, Rollins, (Eddie or Tex) Murphy, Ferguson, Atkinson or Monty Python-That’s my kind of humor, I suppose.

In anycase, Lennard and Allen eventually left. I decided to take advantage of Jeff’s fast wifi connection, and finished some updates on my phone, tablet, and laptop. There were further discussions on the fish, and what I was leaving behind in his care. And soon enough it was time to leave.

I tried to make my exit as anti-climactic as possible. And it was. Jeff paid me for the dum machine I sold him. Then we said goodbye as best friends do-Well wishes, a hug, and I was off.

Less than five minutes later as I was returning “The World’s End” to the Red Box, Jeff called me, and told me to come back, he had forgotten to give me something-And so I returned, and he greeted me outside. He told me to take out my wallet and give it to him. I was a little shocked of course-Thought he was going to give me more money which I would have protested, but then he said, “Ezzie read your blog about you giving up that two-dollar bill that your grandfather gave you. Well it just so happens I have a couple, and we want you to have one. Maybe it’ll give you some luck.” He then stuck it in my wallet and gave it back to me.

I was so shocked that I actually began to cry. I am about as speechless now, writing about it as I was when Jeff made that gesture. It really was just the most thoughtful thing anyone could do for me.

Then Jeff took my hand and shook it, and I think he said, “To new beginnings.” And all I could say was, “Thank you.” As I said, I was just speechless and in shock.

It was at that moment that everything just became real. I was leaving. I am leaving. I may never see this old town where I spent my highschool years in again. I am not going to see my best friend for a very long while. As opposed to living some eighty to three hundred miles apart at a time, I would now be days away, some two-thousand five hundred miles away-On the other side of the country.
All manners of comfort and familiarity between people, family, friends, and places that I’ve grown accustomed too over my 35 years of life-It will all be out of reach.

Needless to say, while lost in my thoughts, it was a very long ride back South San Francisco.



East coast bound.

After a phone conference with my sibs and mother the other day, it was settled-I am moving to Virginia, and will try to settle in Maryland.


Quite frankly because it’s cheaper. The other option is of course here in California-It may well be possible to find cheap housing here, but the job market, at least for me is pretty terrible. My sister is confident that it will be better for me on the East Coast.

Also, it’s a good move to keep the immediate family together. She and her husband, and his family will be near by for support. My little brother, who is entertainment stardom bound will do good in remaining in the Hollywood, California area.

The only real drawback is that my mother will not be near her brothers and sisters, and our extended family back here in the west. Air travel for her is somewhat difficult in her condition of high anxiety and high blood pressure. I will endeavor to try and help her heal. That is my my main purpose for this move. The way I see it is that it will be similar in taking care of my grandfather, except she weighs a lot less. brightside, eh.

I’ll be completely honest, I’m very nervous and frightened of this whole event. I will be taken completely out of my comfort zone. I did survive taking care of my grandfather, and I’d like to think I’m a better person after that particular experience. Yet it is now happening again.

The stink of it is that I am basically in the same place in regards to career and finance as when I was with grandfather. It’s not good at all. I claimed bankruptcy, so my bills are relagated primarily to my student loan, my small credit card, car insurance, and (yes, my friends) my subscription to the WWE Network. shut up! And while that isn’t so bad; My buying power is just gone, at least for the next seven years. There is no chance for me to get approved on renting, much less a mortage or car payment …Unless it’s a truly horrific interest rate. That’s all future problems to deal with when I get there.

The immediate nightmare is getting rid of my stuff. I know that I’ve touched up on it in previous posts, but now that this move is impending and more immediate than I’m comfortable with, I need to rush in getting rid of it all. So I’m looking at almost any avenues of opportunity to do so while hopefully making a little cash at the same time. The ebay thing has been moderately successful so far. Not everything sells, and some things were sold very cheaply-That’s the gamble tho, and it is kind of exciting.

My music gear will be sold to music stores and a friend is buying my old drum machine. My older half brother will be buying my gaming desktop computer for use with his pro-biking and triathlon training endeavors. I believe I will be taking my smarttv to a pawn shop and getting not-a-bloody-whole-lot for it.

The biggest challenge will be getting rid of my van. I don’t want to do it. I need a car over there, but the prices for shipping are ridiculous. In my perfect world, I would drive that thing all the way to Viriginia, but that’s a lot money to throw down for gas, not to mention food and lodging-Probably as much as shipping it, but then I’m not entirely confident in its roadworthiness on a two-thousand-five-hundred mile road trip. It is a lovely thought, but not quite realistic. No, I have to leave it, rather sell it here. The problem is that I will need it until the last few days before the trip. So my only real option is Carmax, or perhaps signing it over to my father and he sell it. I am not entirely sure.

In any case, that is essentially what lays ahead of me over the next couple of weeks.

As I’ve started the great disassembly of my possessions, I was surprised that some people, even when items are offered dirt cheap or free are unwilling to take the deal. They have their reasons and often time it’s a good one, but in this poor economy why pass up on such a good thing?

When I finally leave, I will have dropped my possessions down to only a few thirty-to-forty gallon sized boxes. Figure all that is really needed is my laptop and some accessories, this tablet and keyboard which I am blogging on now, some clothes, and some books and media. Everything else will be gone.

I am truly starting over.



It’s funny how things can change at the drop of a dime. Not more than eighteen hours ago, I was mentally, and I suppose physically (through the disposal of my belongings) preparing myself for the trip to Virginia. It seems now that it won’t be happening.

To sum up again: The purpose to go there is to take care of my mother, while we figure out her living situation. Seems my sister thinks I should just stay here instead to try and find a place to live for mother and myself.

This has of course irked me quite a bit as I now realize that I probably didn’t need to get rid of stuff. However, it probably is a good move in the long run. Now instead of trying to raise some money for the trip, it will now have to go into saving up for deposit.

Speaking of deposits- Having recently gone through bankruptcy, add the fact that I am NOT currently working, I will have the utmost trouble trying to get approved to get a place. My sister and her husband said they will likely need to co-lease. I hope we can get away with it, because it’s not looking good. The only source of income my mother and I will have initially is her retirement and it’s not much.

In regards to the trip, the one thing I was looking forward to in the month or so stay in Virginia was the chance to sit and write during the moments when my mother didn’t need my attention-To write comfortably without the feeling of impending doom looming over my head. There was also a chance to try and fully explore and experience the east coast. I’m sure I would have seen a lot and gotten a lot done there. Instead I’m here at Starbucks once again complaining into my blog. My sincerest apologies to anyone who is willing to put up with my ramblings. It’s good of you to indulge me.

I don’t need to mention how much harder life just got. Having found all this out early yesterday evening, I woke up today in a crummy mood. I posted a youtube video on my Facebook of the song called Disconnect by Rollinsband-It’s how I was feeling. I was just tired. Tired of waking up to all this struggle. Tired of losing.

I want to help my mom of course. She did a damn fine job of raising her children alone. At least two out of three turned out pretty good. I’m the latter one that doesn’t deserve to go on, but I suppose I have to now-For her-And to feed my curiousity of what happens next?



I’ve had some moderate success selling my old stuff on eBay. In fact I went about my old routine of scouring the second hand stores for items to sell. About a week back I stumbled upon a nice find of older video games. I purchased about twenty dollars worth of items and turned it into over a hundred dollars. Of course shipping fees and eBay final value fees ate a little into my profits; Still it was quite satisfying. It’s nice to have a little pocket change, but what I’ve made so far is hardly enough to live on. It’s barely enough for food and gas.

It’s also a bit hard saying goodbye to some of my old possessions. For example: I sold my old Captain Harlock keychain which I had purchased when I first got my driver’s license. Until recently, that keychain had inhabited many of my right pants pockets over a good fifteen or so years. It sold for a little over two-dollars. I wasn’t expecting much. Yet when I was packing it, similarly to that two-dollars bill from a couple posts back, I had reflected a bit of what this keychian had been through in my possession. Haha! It’s notable that Captain Harlock and the two-dollar bill were neighbors for years.

Another item that I’ve recently let go of is my aquarium. I gave it to my best friend, Jeff in Salinas. The process of getting it there was quite the undertaking-Not only did  the aquarium need to arrive intact, but I had no intention of letting the inhabitants of this aquatic world that I created perish while in transit.

With the exception of one missing snail (they tend to disappear anyway and should turn up), everyone made it. The fish, crabs, and shrimp are all accounted for, successfully relocated to Jeff’s apartment, and with the exception of some minor cosmetic changes to the substrate and rock, the tank looks like it hadn’t moved at all. Perfect.

When he got his new apartment, Jeff was interested in starting a tank of his own. Perhaps it was fate that he took mine. I can’t thank him enough for taking on this task. He is new to fish tanks and aquascaping, and even tho these are fresh water species, there’s a lot of knowledge to be absorbed. I have absolute confidence in him tho, as I know he’s just as fanatical about order as I am; If not more.

That said, it was still hard for me to let it go. I saw that tank as proof that I could successfully build, maintain, adapt and evolve a living world that I created. OK, sure, it’s just a fish tank, but it was mine. From the look, to the hardware, to the plants and the types of fish I chose for its community-It was all heavily researched, and it was a reflection of my style. I will miss that tank, but again, I know it’s in good hands.

I am getting down to the nitty gritty of choosing what possessions to keep, and what to sell off, throw away, or give to the second hand-stores. When I first moved down here, it was easy to throw away unnecessary stuff. Now it’s more of a struggle because all that’s left is the stuff that matters.