This should be the last posting about that incredibly talented woman I met a few weeks back. I suppose it’s my way of getting over the fact that a serious relationship with her is just unrealistic-And not because of my current situation, but because she is just not directly attracted to me.
The other day–At ‘bucks again, she sat at table next to mine, with her back towards me. Quite honestly by now, I think she would recognize me, but it seems I was being ignored on purpose. I tapped her on the shoulder and said hello to make my presence known, but her greeting wasn’t quite the warmest. It was rather underwhelming.
I went back to reading a book I had bought earlier for a mutual friend/acquaintance- That gentleman that accompanied her that first time we met. The books is about writing essays and memoirs, and inspiration to do so.
MInutes later, I had the urge for a cigarette. On the way out, I gave her a small gift that I had gotten for her on a whim. It was nothing so impressive-A pencil pouch, a furry black pencil pouch in the shape of a character from an old anime series. That gesture caught her by surprise, and I think it did break the ice a little bit.
After the cigarette I returned inside, and she seemed a little more receptive, but I still felt she just wanted to be alone. After finishing off a chapter in that book, I was impressed enough by it to look it up for purchase on my Kindle app. Then I began to pack my stuff, and presented her with the book to give to our friend, whom she also works with. That is when she really perked up.
And that is when I began to see the bigger picture-I believe she really likes him. The few times during our meets, when the subject of he and his burgeoning writing endeavors came up, she seemed the most energetic. At first I thought it more a teacher & student sort of relationship, and yes it is, however I believe now her attraction has become or is more than that.
At that point I decided to stay, and even contacted our friend on Steam, via my tablet. It didn’t take much coaxing for her to make him walk all the way over here. He arrived an hour later. And in that display, it was confirmed that he was indeed very attracted to her.
I spent the next two hours in discussion with both of them on various things. There was even a few bouts of arm wrestling which I found amusing. He is indeed weaker than her. Of course they both couldn’t dream of taking me over the top as I’m a weight lifting gym rat. Neither could budge me. Still, I was impressed by her power, and the fact that she felt at least thirty percent stronger than he. I told him if he spent a good three months of dedicated strength training, I’m sure he would equal or best me.
I soon left them alone, as I was feeling rather under the weather.
The next day I caught our writer friend on Steam. He told me they hung around at Starbucks a few more hours, to leave at some 1-2am. I pressed my curiousity upon him and asked him if his infatuation or rather his affection for her was deeper than mere friendship. He confirmed it, yes. And he has indeed professed those feelings to her. I do not know her reply, but by her reactions to him, her body language, I imagine a love relationship forming before too long.
Must admit, it saddens me a bit. And yet, I’m not so surprised. They are nearer in age, and have much in common, but enough of a difference where they can grow together and it wouldn’t be boring. And I know, I’m also just plainly unattractive, and perhaps quite lacking in wit or tact or sophistication.
And so, I submit that this entry will be the last involving my affections for her, because I’m quite sure that such feelings are not mutual between her and myself. I will however continue to enjoy their company as fellow artists and friends.
Who am I to get in the way of something good? Something that I know I don’t deserve in the first place.
Happiness is a stranger that I would someday like to know. I can see it in the distance pacing along at the same speed as myself. I wish it would stop, turn around, notice me, and meet me half-way. Instead it’s something that I’m constantly chasing-And it is consistently just out of my grasp.
Perhaps that sort of happiness isn’t meant for me.