I spoke a little too soon, or perhaps I did not.
Same Starbucks-Dropped in to use the net and research a job for the USPS. Seems all they have open is work for mail carriers. A little online research of opinions from experienced mail carriers had noted that some 60% of people who are hired for that job are usually let go or quit within the first month. Not interested.
In any case, the weather was/is warmer than usual for winter time in the penninsula. I felt it was getting a might stuffy inside Starbucks so I headed to a table outside. As I sat down, I felt/noticed someone looking at me through the store window from the inside-It was that very talented woman again. She had been inside the whole time I was there, only instead of the usual table, she was in a comfy lounge chair in the corner, and I did not notice her. Additionally, I had cut my hair rather drastically, and am now clean shaven, so perhaps I also was not immediately recognizable to her.
Of course I got right back up and headed inside to talk with her. Thankfully the chair just adjacent to her’s was vacant. Need I describe how excited I was to see her? I think not.
A couple blogs back, I wrote how I was unsure, rather I didn’t expect to ever see or hear from her again. Yet there we were. The conversation began fluidly as if it never stopped from our initial meeting.
For a good four hours we conversed on the most random of subjects-Odd segway after odd segway-From root origins of our family names, to accents, Shakespeare, various wild and domestic animals, ancestry and genetics-I could go on and on.
I did get a big kick out of our back and forth on how to pronounce the word, “subtle.” She pronounces it with a hard B, and I pronounce it with a silent B. A good fifteen minutes or so was us trying to prove each other wrong-Taking to the internet and looking up the etymology of the word, and citing how different people say it. A rather deep debate, but all in good humor.
In all honestly, I admit, I feel it would be very easy for me to fall in love with her. She keeps me on my toes, I am at full attention to her, she is very interesting, very engaging, and very receptive.
However, I have my doubts she feels the same towards me. It wasn’t anything she said, it was her body language. After about the third hour, I noticed her trying to put on her headphones as she was talking to me. That’s when I knew I had to wind it down. It was also at that point she or we seemed to have run out of content, a slight lull. I tried to keep the conversation going by asking about what she was working on that night, and could see she was a little nervous talking about it-Perhaps it was the excitement of some impending critical reaction on my part. Also, I know she was tired and hungry. And I think that is where I became a big letdown in her eyes.
I had offered to take her to dinner, but she did not want to lose her favorite chair there at Starbucks. So then I loosely offered to pick her up something. When she mentioned where she wanted to go, I was sort of reluctant when I found out how potentially expensive it was. In short, it was a bit ironic that she has more money than me, yet doesn’t have a home, yet I do (sort of), and am far more frugal. I understand she wants quality food, and yet I just want to survive with the dollar menu.
On the way out I told her to please read my blog. Also, I tried to give her a hug, which felt awkward and forced rather than genuine-Polite. And again I felt a little empty inside, a failure.
I adore her, I greatly believe in her talent, and I wish I could support her in some way to help her realize her potential. The reality is I can barely support myself. She deserves so much more than the person who I am now, and I am sure when she is ready she will be make someone a very happy partner. For now, I hope to become at least more than a random passing conversation to her. I hope to become a friend.
The next day (yesterday), I decided to text message her: “What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!” from MacBeth. It’s a sort of inside joke from our conversation. She replied with a “Hahahahaha” -Which I now know she prefers to write out instead of LOL. And another back and forth on the word subtle. I am the one initiating the conversation outside of Starbucks. And you know…
I’ll take it. Any little bit I can get, I’ll take it.
She makes me smile.