Went out for a little Black Friday 2013 shopping. Didn’t find anything that I couldn’t get online for cheaper.

Ended up randomly going to a Target store; More or less to witness the chaos. I did pick up a Virgin Mobile phone card for next month, as well as a zip-up hoody which was 40% off.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

So I stood in the checkout line for a good 5-10 minutes at the electronics department where I picked up the phonecard. When I arrived at the teller, I was turned away. He said he was only taking customers who were buying hardware-Like the iPad minis and so forth. In a bit of disgust, I replied, “Wow.” and turned away. He apologized, but it was very weak.

I almost threw the items I was buying down on the counter and walked away, but I figure that wouldn’t be very prudent-I did need to get this card if anything. So I calmly walked downstairs to the regular cashier lines.

By and by each one was packed with people-Noticed a couple 10 items or less registers, and they were flowin, thankfully. I got in-line and immediately the teller in front announces she’s free. The people ahead of me of course weren’t paying attention so, I jaunted right over to her. We acted out the usual employee to customer small talk:

“Thanks for coming over to me, I didn’t think anyone was paying attention.”

“Yeah, you would think, considering the holiday chaos, that people would generally be jumping to get out–” And our eyes finally met.

I’m not sure what it is when a moment like this happens. It’s some kind of mutual recognition, sure, but it’s always nervous, intense, exciting, and terrifying-At least to me.

She was the most gorgeous creature I had laid eyes upon in quite a long time. I recognized that she was sexy, sure, but she was more than that-She had a beauty about her, an attraction that was beyond sexual-Beyond the thoughts carnal desires. I seem to lack the craft to describe her as I reflect now on her beauty. She was a masterpiece.

I’m sure those reading this would want me to describe in detail her attributes or features-I will not. Apologies. I will say she is probably in her early to mid-twenties.

In any case, we had the moment of recognition-That moment where we were very curious about each other, and wanted to know much much more. And…

I blew it.

It took a fraction of a second for me to justify my actions, or lack of. She’s younger than me, very attractive and full of life, whereas I feel I am quite the opposite. And I didn’t want to shame her being seen with me.

I know. It’s idiotic to think like that. I know it is supposed to be up her to make that judgment about me after an attempt (a date)-But again, I kept justifying my avoidance. She’s at the beginning of her life/I’m half dead. She would need a wealthy man/I just claimed bankruptcy-So on and so forth. Instead my shyness took over and a cowered away instead of marching confidently forward. That judgment on myself took no more than a fraction of a second. It felt like an eternity.

At the end of the transaction, I rather sheepishly wished her a happy holiday. We gazed into each others eyes one last time. Instead of that recognition of some animal attraction, I noticed the slight crease around the edges of her eyes, the glum gaze, the tone of her voice as she exchanged her well wishes-She was subconsciously telling me that I should have persisted, I should have tried, and that she was let down. Then the next customer came and I turned away and left a failure.

You probably would not be surprised if I told you this isn’t the first time this happened. I imagine it happened a dozen times before. The difference this time being that I actually noticed it as it was happening, as opposed to having walked away and realizing much later that I missed my chance.

In the grand scheme of things, I suppose that’s a major step. However, ultimately I am …an idiot. I mean who knows what would have happened between this lovely teller and I. If anything, I lost a good chance and making a local friend, of which I really have none.

Why do I think so lowly of myself that I won’t allow at the very least the opportunity to take a chance at happiness? I know what guilt and failure is already-Why do I continue with it? Is that familiarity so damned comfortable?