More matters on Green Hell. Work started as it normally did. Midnight to about 3, we unloaded the delivery truck, which we found out to be in excess of 3000 pieces of merchandise. We did it all moderately quickly.

Just before lunch at 4am, the store manager gathered all the employees including myself for a little meeting, a state of the store, addressing some issues.

The gist of it was that we need to speed up productivity. Compared to other stores we are lagging behind. Of course the only other store to really compare to is the only one that does better sales than us in the state of California.

I certainly didn’t mind the update in information. However, I was a bit appalled to how the store manager proceeded to motivate us into working more productively.

To be blunt, he tried to apply scare tactics.

He basically threatened us with phrases like:

“We get some 300 individual applications each month. That obviously means the economy is still bad. Look around you now, some of you may not be here at the end of month. If that happens, do you know where you’ll be?”

I can go on, but basically the store manager told us all that we are easily expendable.

At that moment and during lunch after that meeting I had made up my mind. I’m leaving Green Hell effective at the end of the month, if it not sooner by their say.

I already hate that job. It has been a physical nightmare. The graveyard shift has taken a big toll on my health. My sleeping patterns fluctuate to the point that I’m always tired, and as a result I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. Furthermore, my hands….. my hands are now always in pain. I need them. And finally I smoke cigarettes more than I have in years. And I was quit not long before that job. I will quit again when I leave.

Of course I can easily comment on how little we get paid. Minimum wage at part time-That alone should tell the manager why we aren’t happy or jovial workers.

I understand that Green Hell is the place to go and shop for people of all status to get the very basics for survival-Canned goods, toilet paper, cleaning supplies-Often not the greatest quality of items, but good enough to get by. All of it at a dollar a piece.

This store  is literally the best bang for the buck in this economy. Unfortunately for my fellow co-workers and myself, the corporate branch of Green Hell sees their employees the same way. After spending these past few months with them, I can assure you all we are not cheap labor, and we are capable of so much more.

At the end of the day, the manager requested if I can work unloading a truck at another local store.  I said I was going out of town, up to Chico (Paradise, CA), to look for housing and establish a job there. Yes, I lied, but it wasn’t too far from the truth-Perhaps just a few months away. I just do not wish to work more than what is required. I may not make much money, truth is I already do not, but to me the extra two hours of hard labor netting me a measly ten to twelve dollars is not worth my sanity.

I know I can do better than this. I have done better than this, and I will again.

 

Yes, I am a gamer. More of a PC gamer than console gamer now really. That’s a whole other blog post in itself. Over Thanksgiving and Black Friday, Steam (easily the largest hub or shop for PC gaming) had it’s usual sale. In that sale I was able to finally afford after many missed opportunities (through not having money at the time) RPG Maker VX Ace.

RPG Maker is a program whereupon living up to it’s namesake is a development program to create RPGs. It is based on JRPGs (Japanese Role Playing Games) in the vein of the Final Fantasy style turn based battle systems. It is a long running program that’s been around for nearly 2 decades on various consoles and PCs. For the purpose of storytelling, I’ve always been attracted to it. It’s a sixty-dollar program, with optional upgrades (at a price), and I’ve patiently waited over a year to pick it up (again, because I keep on missing the sales). Finally I was able to afford it at the sales price of $18, and picked up a couple graphic tile upgrades-In total I spent some thirty-one dollars, where normally it would be around ninety dollars.

In any case, with this program, you can use the intergrated (or optional) graphic sets or make your own-Furthermore you can port your own sound or music. I am (modestly) versatile enough in that I can do both the graphics and music as well as the writing. I took classes in video game design, I am a certified audio technician with a bit of a music background-Hell, I’m also a singer, and have always been a vocal mimic. My strengths are indeed in writing and music, with a little background in drawing and design.

After fluffing myself to such an extent, the point is RPG Maker is a tool I believe I can make good use of. And after some practice, I plan to make good on that supposition.

I will endeavor to develop, to make a game, if not a series of games.

Where do I start with this one? This post will be directly linked/related to future posts. Using a title modifier of part one would be too definitive, because it is ever evolving. I’ll arrive to a decision by the end, I suppose. Let me take a sip of my Earl Grey and begin.

As I may have mentioned, last week, my older half-brother and I went up to Paradise, CA, my old stomping grounds, and where our relatives on our grandfather’s side resides. We did not have the time to visit everyone, but we did visit and hang out with our cousins and their family.

On the way up, my brother had talked of starting up a trade in his hobby/lifestyle of amateur biking and triathlon racing. Having already invested in equipment, I see that he is very serious about it, and he invited me to learn an aspect of this business, particularly the repair and maintenance of these modern high-end bicycles. I’ll be honest, I would be willing to help, and try it, but I feel it is not my interest or calling.

Not long after we arrived at our cousins home in Magalia (up the hill from Paradise), Melanie (who also has a blog here on wordpress) had performed for my brother and I, some sort of tarot card reading based on Native American animal mysticism-I am unclear what the name is.  In any case, it involves a deck of cards with animals (shuffled by the person in question), and each animal has some type of story and explanation which relates to other animals, and of course these findings (based on what was drawn) are interpreted to the person inquiring.

Of course a person might question the validity of such things-Tarot cards, palm readings, psychic-healing, and all the rest has been around for a long long time. Most people would dismiss this all as some parlor trick, and submit to paying these seers for the pure entertainment value. This all goes without saying really.

However, an ex-girlfriend of mine was/is very much into Wicca. And I recall her card reading for me at age 17. To summarize those cards said that the coming period of my life was to be filled with loss and sorrow before a great transformation was to occur. To summarize again, that all came to pass, with the exception of a relationship with some redhead…. yeah nevermind that.

So I took Melanie’s reading rather seriously. As (my ex-gf) Kautreena instructed me in her reading, I shuffled the cards until I felt the slightest impulse to pull a certain card (a buzz, I stated to everyone’s laughter). Nothing was drawn at random.

And so it was all laid out. To summarize and paraphrase what Melanie detailed to me, all of my animals, unlike most other subjects that she has read to before, were very much inter-related to one another. None of the cards were upside down, whatever that means, so there were no real negatives, I suppose. The animals over and over again relayed ideas of I rebirth and transformation and seeking a means of living within myself.

Everything that she said was current down to my interpretations on how I see my co-workers at green hell perceive me. Current in how I react to other people. Current in how I know and feel that there is change to come, and it is my choosing how it will all proceed and result.

She was basically telling me that I am now in control of my own destiny. Everything that has happened to me in the past was a result of others (whether positive or negative) subconsciously manipulating my course.

In recollection, yes, it is all true, and I let it all happen. Quite honestly, I was so negative about everything that I thought I would never make it passed the age of thirty; And yet I’m still here. I moved back to the Bay Area to live with my father to start over-That is true. Yet until Melanie gave me that reading did I not actually feel like I was making much progress.

It has only been a week since that spirit animal reading, and events have unfolded that seem to justify everything my cousin and those cards had foreseen.

Went out for a little Black Friday 2013 shopping. Didn’t find anything that I couldn’t get online for cheaper.

Ended up randomly going to a Target store; More or less to witness the chaos. I did pick up a Virgin Mobile phone card for next month, as well as a zip-up hoody which was 40% off.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

So I stood in the checkout line for a good 5-10 minutes at the electronics department where I picked up the phonecard. When I arrived at the teller, I was turned away. He said he was only taking customers who were buying hardware-Like the iPad minis and so forth. In a bit of disgust, I replied, “Wow.” and turned away. He apologized, but it was very weak.

I almost threw the items I was buying down on the counter and walked away, but I figure that wouldn’t be very prudent-I did need to get this card if anything. So I calmly walked downstairs to the regular cashier lines.

By and by each one was packed with people-Noticed a couple 10 items or less registers, and they were flowin, thankfully. I got in-line and immediately the teller in front announces she’s free. The people ahead of me of course weren’t paying attention so, I jaunted right over to her. We acted out the usual employee to customer small talk:

“Thanks for coming over to me, I didn’t think anyone was paying attention.”

“Yeah, you would think, considering the holiday chaos, that people would generally be jumping to get out–” And our eyes finally met.

I’m not sure what it is when a moment like this happens. It’s some kind of mutual recognition, sure, but it’s always nervous, intense, exciting, and terrifying-At least to me.

She was the most gorgeous creature I had laid eyes upon in quite a long time. I recognized that she was sexy, sure, but she was more than that-She had a beauty about her, an attraction that was beyond sexual-Beyond the thoughts carnal desires. I seem to lack the craft to describe her as I reflect now on her beauty. She was a masterpiece.

I’m sure those reading this would want me to describe in detail her attributes or features-I will not. Apologies. I will say she is probably in her early to mid-twenties.

In any case, we had the moment of recognition-That moment where we were very curious about each other, and wanted to know much much more. And…

I blew it.

It took a fraction of a second for me to justify my actions, or lack of. She’s younger than me, very attractive and full of life, whereas I feel I am quite the opposite. And I didn’t want to shame her being seen with me.

I know. It’s idiotic to think like that. I know it is supposed to be up her to make that judgment about me after an attempt (a date)-But again, I kept justifying my avoidance. She’s at the beginning of her life/I’m half dead. She would need a wealthy man/I just claimed bankruptcy-So on and so forth. Instead my shyness took over and a cowered away instead of marching confidently forward. That judgment on myself took no more than a fraction of a second. It felt like an eternity.

At the end of the transaction, I rather sheepishly wished her a happy holiday. We gazed into each others eyes one last time. Instead of that recognition of some animal attraction, I noticed the slight crease around the edges of her eyes, the glum gaze, the tone of her voice as she exchanged her well wishes-She was subconsciously telling me that I should have persisted, I should have tried, and that she was let down. Then the next customer came and I turned away and left a failure.

You probably would not be surprised if I told you this isn’t the first time this happened. I imagine it happened a dozen times before. The difference this time being that I actually noticed it as it was happening, as opposed to having walked away and realizing much later that I missed my chance.

In the grand scheme of things, I suppose that’s a major step. However, ultimately I am …an idiot. I mean who knows what would have happened between this lovely teller and I. If anything, I lost a good chance and making a local friend, of which I really have none.

Why do I think so lowly of myself that I won’t allow at the very least the opportunity to take a chance at happiness? I know what guilt and failure is already-Why do I continue with it? Is that familiarity so damned comfortable?