a word on (not much) greed

Checked out the seen at Best Buy a little while ago. They had it fenced off around a corner of the building, and a dozen or so people were outside the entrance queuing up. The first few people in line had a nice tent set up. I do wonder of those people, those hardcore deal shoppers, how many of them are actually shopping for gifts to others. I’ll take a wild guess and say zero. Likely they’ll be buying for themselves and/or getting decent enough deals to turn over on their eBay accounts for profit. In anycase, it’s not as crazy (so far) as I thought it would be.

Best Buy is opening at 6pm. I imagine it’ll be more exciting then. However I won’t be around to witness it.

Working tonight-Unloading cargo at green hell. I’m going to try and get some sleep instead.

I also don’t have much money to spend on the Black Friday greed. Truth is, I really don’t need anything for myself. There are some luxuries to be had, but nothing necessary.

On Tuesday, I was able to go with my brother back up to my old town, Paradise CA and do some visiting with my cousins. Unfortunately didn’t have the time to visit everyone in my grandfather’s family, which I really wanted to do. In any case, the few hours spent there was probably the best time I had in quite awhile. I really need to get up to Paradise more often-Eventually move back.

As for right now, I will soon be visiting my local family, on my father’s wife’s side for Thanksgiving Dinner. I am starting to feel more relaxed and comfortable around them, and look forward to hanging out with them on such events. This will be fun, and I know the food is always excellent!

I have more, much more to touch up on regarding my visit to Paradise, and also finally finding a use for that credit card.

Until then  …Happeh Turkeh Deh Everehbodeh!!!


My grandpa, a Zelda fanatic, would have loved this picture. Miss you, Gramp!


cc exp

As I’ve mentioned I had received a non-secured credit card with a credit limit of three-hundred dollars. And activation, I pondered what to do with it.

A little experiment on myself was done yesterday-A self experiment.

I took that credit card with me to the local Fry’s Electronics in Palo Alto, CA. Everything I listed in the secured blog entry I had looked into while I was there, and a lot more. As you may or may not know Fry’s is a gadget and computer geeks’ paradise-A physical store to browse in person such items you may ordinarily see only on-line or in smaller specialized stores/sites. Very easy to spend money there for a person like myself-And indeed some good deals were to be had yesterday. I spent close to two hours browsing that Fry’s, and temptation was surrounded and grabbed at me at every turn.

Fry’s now has the option of internet price matching. Many of the products I had browsed was found cheaper online instantly via my smartphone. The deals were getting better and better.

If I was me of 5-10 years ago, I probably would have had the attitude that said “Fek it. We only live once.” And I would have pulled the trigger and got what I wanted right there on the spot-But I’m not the same me from all those years ago.

So instead, I simply walked out of the place. Didn’t buy a sneckin thing-Nothing-Tho I had the ability to do so. The odd thing was that I didn’t have the usual anxiety that I would normally feel. Indeed I had wasted time (and gas) in driving 20+ miles to a store- That alone would normally justify some sort of purchase.

And yet I was completely indifferent as I drove away. I realized, everything I wanted really wasn’t necessary, or I could simply wait until they come to a fairer price.

I pride myself in being very patient with people-To be very empathic and understanding-More today than ever before. Yet, I realize now that I have or had little regard for myself. Never cared initially about what happened to me. I was impulsive in my own personal decisions, and the result of such actions have very much destroyed me.

How is it that being so selfless makes me feel so selfish?  

In any case, I am proud that I can more readily control my impulsiveness, as well as my tendencies to indulge.

The next part is figuring out how all this will culminate to form the rest of my life. I am awakening to realize who I am. And now….

Now what or who will I become?




 After the bankruptcy, I figured I wouldn’t have a chance at applying for a non-secured credit card-But I did manage to qualify for one. I am secured-sort of. It is a very small limit-Just three-hundred dollars. No complaints. At that amount I’m sure not to cause myself any major damage.

I did go through the small activation process. I did create an online account for it. I even got to pic out a neat little custom picture from their array of crappy custom picture options. After all that, I quickly shoved the card back into the envelope and stuffed it away in my file cabinet.

Don’t you all think I wasn’t tempted to use it-I was! Oh, I was! However after all I’ve been through with my horrible mishandling of money-I just can’t bring myself to buy anything. It’s hardcore shoppers guilt or buyers remorse, as it were. I cannot let that episode happen again.

When I did go before the court during the final process of the discharge, there was a group of people including myself. All of us, just terrible at money management. A few of them were called to stand and I got to hear a small bit of their stories as they were being interviewed. For some of them this indeed was not their first bankruptcy, in fact one of them, I understand had claimed twice before. That’s for sure frightening as it is eye opening.  I know I can’t let that happen to me. This was enough. This was humiliating enough.

And so I really have to be careful. No more impulse buying. I have to plan what I purchase and it must be absolutely justified as necessary or useful or somehow advantageous. Hell, I make so little money at green hell  that I have buyer’s remorse making food purchases at my own job where everything costs a dollar. Ridiculous.

I really do need to find something else. As for the card-Heh-I suppose the ultimate test will be next friday-Black Friday. I would love to get a hold of a larger SSD and Blu-Ray drive for my desktop puter, not to mention a pci-e USB 3.0 card with an external header (just so I can finally hook up the front USB 3.0 port). I imagine all that there would be around $150. Half the stupid credit cards limit, and after interest it would be almost $200.

Ridiculous. My life is ridiculous, and after reading this back I realize it’s also ludicrous.

I really don’t need anything. I really don’t. 



Well first of all, I just have to say that I’ve been blogging for about three months now, and it has been a very enlightening experience so far. Unlike previous attempts, I’ve been far more open with my thoughts. Being specific without being totally invasive to certain individuals privacy has been a challenge, but I believe so far that I’ve done a decent job of keeping such information private, meanwhile getting my points across. I used to have to go back and edit things thoroughly and adjust such facts appropriately-Lots of on-the-fly editing. For someone as detailed oriented as me, it has been good practice to be more loose, because I tend to just ramble…. As I’m doing now. …pfft.

Okay, so as I mentioned a couple weeks ago, it was my best friend, Jeff’s birthday. He’s less than 3 months younger than I, and I welcome him to age 35 (which I also call “half-dead–So goth!).

We’ve seen each other very little in these last few years. Aside from living hours away from each other, we’re both just generally busy and our calendars’ tend to conflict. In any case, we finally got to meet up last week.  If only for a few hours, which it was, it was indeed a nice relaxing getaway to hang out with my old friend-It was indeed like old times-Very joyful and care free.

Jeff also did something nice for me. He bought the Klipsch 5.1 gaming speakers that I let him borrow. He definitely didn’t have to do that. Eventually I probably would have just let him have them as I wasn’t in any immediate need of them. I am thankful he did. With that money I was motivated to fix my gaming desktop which has been effectively out of commission since I moved here to SSF.

As I had mentioned in a previous post, my blogging capability was rendered (more or less) immobile with my mother needing  a laptop for use in the Philippines.  My Asus G75 had become my main computer for over a year. It is a desktop replacement gaming laptop. I rarely took it out of the house basically because it’s bloody huge!  Was a big hassle to unplug all the peripherals from it and pack it up. That was the reason I resurrected that 10 year old laptop for my writing. Since it was now going away something had to replace it.

For a few days I did research on what could replace that old laptop for cheap when it suddenly dawned on me-I should just fix the gaming desktop, and perhaps find another/bigger carrying case or backpack for the G75.

(Here’s where it can get boring, so you might want to skip to the last couple or so paragraphs.)

First I had to diagnose what was wrong with the desktop.


AMD 8120 on a Asus m5a97 mobo. 8-12gigs of CORSAIR Dominators, GTX560-All encased in a NZXT Tempest box with a cheap Coonix PSU.

The problems were that it was randomly crashing. It had been stable just until after I moved to SSF. Sounded like a driver problem. So initially I tried numerous old Nvidia graphics drivers, or at least most of the current non-beta drivers I could find. Nothing worked. It always randomly crashed.

I had then thought it was crashing only when video was streaming from Youtube and Netflix and tried to adjust Chrome properly-Nope, it crashed even when standing idle. And that’s where I left it for over a year after much frustration.

Working where I work, in the situation that I’m in having gone bankrupt, no credit, no savings-It was quite inconceivable of me getting a new laptop or tablet. Reality is I would have to scrape together a bit to even get a hundred or two hundred dollar used laptop. Hell, I only bought the G75 because the Wizard of OZ slot machine was nice to me at Gold Country Casino one afternoon.

So when Jeff decided to buy my speakers, I was provided with choices. The logical and cheapest route was to fix the desktop, provided it would be a mere cheap fix.

So back at it I had to rediagnose what was wrong. This time I ran memtest on each of my ramsticks in each of the ram slots-I actually found one bad ram dimm. Unfortunately it’s way out of date for a return, but I figured that was the problem-I was wrong. Still crashed.

So I ran it down to two possible problems, the ones I dreaded-A failing PSU, or a failing mobo. ‘

Since this desktop was actually built by, with the PSU option I chose as generic, I figured I’d go ahead and get a good name brand PSU. After a little research, I chose to pick up the Corsair RM650-Of course it was sold out at the local computer shop. The next best/cheap thing was the Antec GS620 (I read the oem was actually the same as the Corsair so it should be reliable). That PSU was actually about the same price as what Jeff paid me. So I took it home and after a about 20 minutes of removing the old PSU and installing the new one, I powered it up, confident. Wrong again! Within about 5 minutes it crashed.

Oh crap! I figure the next step was to get a replacement motherboard. That would not only be annoying to have to actually rebuild, but also the headache of having to reactivate Windows for the new component. Meh.

As fate would have it, on the next startup, Nvidia prompted to update to the latest driver.

After a year, I figured what the hell?! maybe they’ll finally put out a stable driver for the old 560 that is already 2 generations old.

Surprisingly enough it worked. It feking worked! I bloody feking worked!!!

The only time it crashed was after hibernation, and that seems to be a line of code somewhere in the registry that I’ll have to look into editing-The immediate fix is basically to just never have it sleep or hibernate-No feking problem there.

So I then went through the tedious task of uninstalling the new PSU, and rewiring the old one that wasn’t faulty at all. I had to eat a 15% restocking fee when I returned the Antec-But it was worth it with the knowledge that this beast was alive once more. And the best part is that I am typing this blog up on my G75 here at Starbucks-And when I take it home, I don’t have to pull it out of the bag and rewire all everything to it.

All this progress is due to my best friend basically giving me a handout when he didn’t have to-When I know he needs to try and save every bit he can because his girlfriend and he will be getting a place together soon. Sometimes I wonder why I get to have people like him in my life-DO I really deserve this kind of attention? I don’t know, but I do appreciate it …Very very much!

Thank you, Jeff!

Because of you is truly mobile, and with this G75, it’s got serious horsepower!


work & holidays

Oh! Where do I start? Let us see-The last (more or less) post aside from the little bit last night, was from over a week ago-A very creative video mash-up of Star Trek and Dallas. Well.. Lot’s of things can happen in nine days.

Let’s start with the semi-awful (kill me now) stuff.

My job at green hell continues to fluctuate between boring and downright frustrating. The old night manager left, and there is now less of a feeling of walking on eggshells. The new night manager is far more relaxed-Worried more about speed and quantity, rather than overall quality. It’s a nice change, especially on truck-unloading nights. However some of the other workers seem to like the old methodical way of unloading more. They also seem more vocal about it now too-It’s no surprise considering the largely vocal old manager has left. They’re more willing (brave enough) to speek up now.

I have noticed as the holidays approach, the more agitated everyone seems to be. True there’s an larger influx of products coming in quickly, but personally I don’t think it’s as overwhelming as people make it out to be. Still, the negativity level at times is quite extreme. Many a complaint is spewed out in the open.

In fact a co-worker snapped at me, twice for  1) trying to allow them right of way and insisting they go first. It was obvious they should have went, as they were more in the way. 2) I pointed out to that same person that there was a product to be placed on a certain pallet.

Through both events, I believe I was simply being polite, and both times this person was aggressive in reply-Trying very hard to diminish my character-To make me feel stupid. Of course I didn’t appreciate it, but also chose not to do anything. I decided to just let it go. For whatever reason this person was in a bitchy mood that night. I can understand that. What we do isn’t glamorous nor rewarding. We all hate it. Yet I will not react back in a negative manner. Oh! I easily, EASILY could go on a verbal rampage toward this person, but where will it get us? We would end up in an uneasy state of nervous fear and vindictiveness towards each other-Definitely not good working conditions.

So I just took it, sighed, and walked away quietly. At that moment I was quickly reminded of a scene from The Point of No Return where the protagonist is working on controlling her temper-She is instructed to smile and say to herself, “I never did mind the little things.” Believe it or not, I did just that and somehow I found it worked quite nicely.

I rationalize that it really just isn’t worth getting emotionally worked up over such trivial situations-Especially on my crappy minimum wage pay rate. Everyone who works at green hell  is simply there to make a little extra cash to get by and survive. We should endeavor tonot make it any bloody worse than it already is.

I do however wonder  .. Considering this co-worker is in fact five years younger than I, 30 years old, fresh out their 20s-I wonder if I was at that age again, having not experienced what I’ve been through over the last five years-I have to wonder if I would have acted as I did that night, or would have I reacted in a very vulgar and mean spirited way. I know I’m generally a nice person, at least I am now, but in my youth I have been known to be quite unruly and very hot tempered.

Also wonder what this person has gone through to be in such a foul mood. Actually, I don’t really care to know.

Later of course that person more or less was nice to me again… More or less. The following event was humorous actually-They had asked me what was the longest relationship I’ve been in? Off the top of my head, I randomly said, “10 years.” And they replied, “Oh, so that’s why-You’re whipped.” They were also alluding to various interactions with the previous manager who often enough lashed out at me, and where I also did nothing but take it. Very quick to judge, this one.

No-Indeed not whipped. Simply trying not to make things any worse than it is. Simply getting by on what little we get paid. Simply observing and choosing what battles are worth being fought. Simply trying to keep it simple.

And so …What else?

Ah yes. Over the last couple weeks the store manager has pushed me to fill gaps in my section with anything from the overall section.  However, that precisely what the first night manager urged me not to do-I must follow specific pattern, and put the appropriate products near related products-That is proper stocking. So I basically just stuck to what I was taught which resulted in open spots.

Apparently during the holiday season proper stocking is completely thrown out the door, flushed down the toilet, and then nuked to a crisp. The manager wanted holes filled. Well, I’m a guy, I suppose I know how to do that. And so I did …that is when we got the appropriate products in. Ha! I finally did manage to fill every conceivable space in my section. “Dang stacked!” is what the manager said, as he approved-But truth be told it was only after we got shipment of newer proper product. In closing, the manager was happy, and I was still able to 95% follow the proper procedure.

Okay-That was a rather boring story, but it is what I deal with all the time at green hell-And so it must be documented. A (very) small victory on my end. Yay.

I suppose this is a decent place to stop for now. Will get to the better stuff in the following post.  



I’m tired. I’m so tired that I want to cry-But I have to sleep, and rest my mind and my body-To prepare for another long night at my green hell.

This existence needs to end. 

Apologies for not writing sooner. Had some things to take care of aside from work. 

More later.