blog, thoughts

coming to terms

Shortly after devouring a honey mustard chicken flatbread sandwich and a side salad with raspberry vinaigrette here at Wendy’s,  I’ve discovered something. Okay,  I’m lying. Been thinking about this all day. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I’m capable of doing more than being a store stocker making minimum wage.  This just cannot be the extent of my talent and usefulness in the world.

I used to think I had so much potential. Was recently browsing through my main storage drive which houses a collection of files from HDDs of my various computers spanning over 20 years-I ran into many old projects. Music,  drawings, videos,  pieces of writing-Collections of my thoughts and ideas,  recorded at various points of my existence. Some finished,  many merely started.

So what the hell happened?

Could easily spend pages trying to dissect why.  Many. Pages.

In summary:  I am easily distracted. Often time have a hard time concentrating on one thing-Putting two and two together. Add to the fact that I’m so horribly shy and nervous that my communication skills are very lacking.  I’m always on the defensive and can’t relax, and ever worried about projecting the right image so I don’t make a public fool of myself. I like criticism, it gives me a marker of how and where to improve; But deep down I can’t handle being dissected as such. It frustrates and angers me.

Oh yeah,  I’m also pretty clumsy. If I were to compare myself to a popular character in ancient and modern lore and literature, it would probably be a cross between Christopher Reeves and Richard Donner’s bumbling Clark Kent (not Superman),  and The Maxx. Got any toast?

In the last year, I’ve made attempts to be more open, outgoing, more friendly, and upfront. This blog is another step-A result in me trying to evolve and adapt. The difference between this blog, and my previous attempts is that I’m laying it all out now. I used to hide or cover up who I really am. Now I accept that I’ve failed in this my life, over and over again. I can now generally deal with the shame and embarrassment. I’m not perfect and I need stop pretending to be.

Ah, sidetracked again… (told ya)

Again, I realize that my life can’t end as a stocker. Some may find pride (and a decent living) in doing so, but it’s not for me. I’ll deal with it as long as I have to, but I know my strength is in creativity. Now more than ever I have to harness that strength. Do something with it that I can both make a living from, and (most of all) be proud of-No matter what others may say or think.

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One thought on “coming to terms

  1. I have known you on and off for a very long time many many years, I find you not clumsy, nor quiet when someone gets to know you, although I do find that there is a lot of shyness, but I have to call you out on trying to be perfect. You have never led me to believe you are trying to be perfect. You are an artist by the truest of means. You are deep and sometimes that deepness can cause you to feel like you are trying to be perfect. You my dearest of friends are an old soul trapped within the dressings of a young man. I being an artist too have turned my life around many times by allowing that artistic side in me out. Trust in your abilities and you will be amazed at the outcome. Once again just my thought as an artist to an artist.

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