need a new tool

Work tonight. Got home from the gym and gallivanting around a bit. So I’ll make this kind of brief.  

I went to Best Buy today to look for a new laptop. I love the one I have and am using at this very moment, but it’s a behemoth of a laptop – An Asus G75, that I call Imperator. I put in an SSD, blu-ray drive, upped the RAM to 16gb, boots to Windows 7 in seconds. Probably have $1500 invested in it since it’s debut early last summer. I won $1200 at a casino, that’s how I basically got it. Figured might as well go over the top while I have the funds-As far as PC gaming goes, this behemoth should last me a good 3-4 years. The G75 series is definitely not the most mobile of computers. I love it, but my back does not. Plus since it is a full-on desktop replacement, it just gobbles up power.

With and my ambition to write daily, on the fly, anywhere-Well I figure I should try and get a laptop that’s capable. More importantly it need be more mobile. With the $42 I currently have in my bank account obviously nothing is obtainable at the moment. However, that’s not going to stop me from trying to window shop a little.

I’ve narrowed my choices down to the cheapest laptops they carry at that Best Buy store. One is $269, the other $299. Decent entry level PCs. With their respective platter HDDs, they get to the Windows 8 metro desktop in about 30-40 seconds. MS Office takes about 10 seconds or so to load up. So with my own internal RAM, I’ll need a good minute from cold boot to keep my ideas from fading away! Ha! Definitely need to throw in an SSD tho. Imperator’s semper fidelis speed is something I’ve grown quite accustomed to.  

Why do I need to be mobile to write? Well, I am writing at home now, yes, but I just do not feel comfortable doing it here. I feel rather claustrophobic at home. I like background noise, I like watching people, I like to read in moderately loud public places like the busy food court in a shopping mall.

I suppose I enjoy finding peace and order in chaos. Hmmph-That in itself might explain my tastes in music.   

blog, thoughts

coming to terms

Shortly after devouring a honey mustard chicken flatbread sandwich and a side salad with raspberry vinaigrette here at Wendy’s,  I’ve discovered something. Okay,  I’m lying. Been thinking about this all day. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I’m capable of doing more than being a store stocker making minimum wage.  This just cannot be the extent of my talent and usefulness in the world.

I used to think I had so much potential. Was recently browsing through my main storage drive which houses a collection of files from HDDs of my various computers spanning over 20 years-I ran into many old projects. Music,  drawings, videos,  pieces of writing-Collections of my thoughts and ideas,  recorded at various points of my existence. Some finished,  many merely started.

So what the hell happened?

Could easily spend pages trying to dissect why.  Many. Pages.

In summary:  I am easily distracted. Often time have a hard time concentrating on one thing-Putting two and two together. Add to the fact that I’m so horribly shy and nervous that my communication skills are very lacking.  I’m always on the defensive and can’t relax, and ever worried about projecting the right image so I don’t make a public fool of myself. I like criticism, it gives me a marker of how and where to improve; But deep down I can’t handle being dissected as such. It frustrates and angers me.

Oh yeah,  I’m also pretty clumsy. If I were to compare myself to a popular character in ancient and modern lore and literature, it would probably be a cross between Christopher Reeves and Richard Donner’s bumbling Clark Kent (not Superman),  and The Maxx. Got any toast?

In the last year, I’ve made attempts to be more open, outgoing, more friendly, and upfront. This blog is another step-A result in me trying to evolve and adapt. The difference between this blog, and my previous attempts is that I’m laying it all out now. I used to hide or cover up who I really am. Now I accept that I’ve failed in this my life, over and over again. I can now generally deal with the shame and embarrassment. I’m not perfect and I need stop pretending to be.

Ah, sidetracked again… (told ya)

Again, I realize that my life can’t end as a stocker. Some may find pride (and a decent living) in doing so, but it’s not for me. I’ll deal with it as long as I have to, but I know my strength is in creativity. Now more than ever I have to harness that strength. Do something with it that I can both make a living from, and (most of all) be proud of-No matter what others may say or think.